Be Whole Even When Your Heart Is Broken

This is a letter I wrote for someone I care about:I’m going to tell you something. It’s something that you already know, but are still having trouble accepting, even though you say you have. It’s something that you are still having difficulty believing, because as real as it is, to you, it still feels like nothing but a bad dream. I’m going to tell you something, and know that as cruel as it sounds, I am only telling you this in love.
It’s over.
It’s not a bad dream. He left you. He chose to leave you. He chose to live his life without you.
I know it sounds heartless but all I know is that the sooner you accept this fact, the faster you can pick up the pieces and do what needs to be done, and that is to move. No, I do not mean move on, because moving on takes time. Just move. Do not get stuck in the past which is now just a murky haze. Dust yourself up and keep going. You don’t need to know where you’re going exactly, as long as you’re going somewhere and moving forward. You have a life ahead of you and you will miss out on that potentially amazing life if you choose to stay here and wait for something that may never come back.
You may stumble sometimes. You may find yourself so close to the finish line, and then, one thing — a message, a chance encounter, a song played on the radio, a mere mention of his name — could set you back and you will find yourself spiraling down a black hole once again. All that effort you took to rebuild your life, reduced to nothing. It’s okay. Just keep trying. Nobody ever said it would be easy. After all, this was someone you loved more than yourself. This was someone you shared your memories, secrets, hopes, and dreams with. You will have your moments of weakness, but you also need to unearth your strength if you truly want to heal. It may seem inconceivable to you now, as you think you are at your lowest and weakest point, but trust me, that strength is there. In fact, it’s more present now than it’s ever been before.
When you catch yourself revisiting yesterday, stop. Walk away. It is done, and what is done can no longer be undone. Rewinding the story over and over again will not change the ending. Wondering about the what’s or why’s may only lead to other questions — questions that you will never get answers to. What is the point of all this wondering? The bottom line is, he left you, and no amount of questions will change that fact. You may find yourself questioning your decisions and get caught in between words like “if only I did this” or “maybe I should not have said what I said.” Well, guess what? Things were said and done because there was a reason for it — an actual, valid, and compelling reason. Stop blaming yourself because you have done your part. You have done your best. You have done more than what you should have. You were only being true to yourself, and if he couldn’t handle the truth, then maybe he wasn’t the one for you. If you bottled up your thoughts and emotions for the sake of peace and companionship, yes, perhaps he would still be yours. But that would also mean that you are loved not for who you really are but for the illusion that you are creating. Is that what you really want? How long can you go on silencing yourself?
Stop holding on to something that has already slipped through your fingers. Stop clinging to what is already gone. Let go of the one who has let you go. It may sound like a cliche but if something is yours, it will be yours. It will find its way back to you. But you need to let nature take its course. Love cannot and should not be forced; otherwise, love becomes a lie.
Learn to let go. It may not sound like a logical course of action for someone you hold dear, but not everything has to be logical. Otherwise, if everything boiled down to reason, what is the point of faith? You cannot keep a butterfly inside a jar if it wishes to be free. The more you hold on to someone that does not want to be held down, the more you will lose him. You need to understand that there is a fine line between love and possession. People are not ours to own. They have — and are entitled to — the freedom to choose who and where to belong to. So let go… because if he wanted to be yours, nothing could have kept him from being yours.
Photo credit: Poporetto.deviantart.com
You may not realize it but this time apart could be the greatest gift you can give both to the person you love and to yourself. This period of disconnection can prove to be a blessing in disguise, if you both allow it be. You can spend all this time grappling with questions and seeking clarity until you find it. You can use these moments of isolation and reconnect with yourself, know yourself, and improve yourself. Do not spend all this time apart waiting. Instead, spend it growing. If, one day, the two of you shall meet again,  and be together again, wouldn’t you want to come face to face with him as the best version of yourself? Wouldn’t you want him to see someone who is happy, fulfilled, and complete? And if life has someone else prepared for you, wouldn’t you want your soulmate to see you as a treasure, someone who is his equal, and as a woman he can truly be proud of? Wouldn’t you agree that your soulmate deserves to be with that kind of person?
You have heard it all before, those pieces of hackneyed advice that people usually recite to one who’s just had her heart broken. “You’re better off with someone else.” “He wasn’t good for you anyway.” “You’ll find someone new.” “You’ll find someone better.” “You’ll get over this.” They’ve been said by the most well-meaning of your supporters, with nothing but intentions of helping you get through this, but for some reason, your shattered heart is numb to the hope that these words bring. The only thing for you to do now is trust. Trust yourself and trust that you are capable and worthy of being loved. Trust that your Maker has already mapped out your future for you, even if the future seems bleak right now. Trust ME… because I was you once, just a broken girl who never thought that I could love and be loved again. And now, I am on the other side, and I can assure you that this is just a season in your life, and seasons do change. You will not be broken forever. Trust me because I have lived through one of the worst periods of pain in my entire existence, and I never thought I would live through the mess and the grief, but I did. Better yet, I emerged a better person — stronger, wiser, and kinder. Those agonizing days when I would cry myself to sleep, those harrowing times when I would dread waking up because it meant facing the day with a heavy heart again, those gloomy moments when I had to feign a smile as I watched my friends marry their soul mates and wonder if I will ever have what they have — every single time, it was heartbreaking. And yet, those shattered fragments of my life ultimately led to my wholeness. Had I not personally experienced the pain, I would not be the person I am today. Sometimes, going through the lowest point of your life is the most humbling experience in the world. Someday, this pain will be useful to you and you will use this pain to help other people go through their ordeal. Someday, you will realize that through your trials, you are being used to be an instrument of encouragement for the downhearted. Someday, your greatest curse may be your greatest blessing. Someday, you will love someone with the best kind of love you can ever give. Someday. But for now, simply trust this piece of advice that I read somewhere: “Sometimes, when things are falling apart, they may actually be falling into place.”I am truly excited for what you will become.
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Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    Thank you. I’ve got the Sickle Cell AS Genotype, and for the second time in may life, I’m having to walk away from someone I’ve truly grown to love. ..I believe in God, and I know His plans are the absolute best, but just right now, it’s all I can do..to just keep breathing. ..I know you’re right, and your letter reminds me of something I know : someday I’ll meet my soul mate, one with no blood type mismatch issues, and jt will all be worth it, this repeated anguish, this pain of letting go : not because -they were imperfect -, but because some blood-type-circumstance-beyond-our-control says so. I’m sure I’ll survive. But the pain, this pain, is real. Thank you for your letter. I wish you knew just how much it means to me. God bless you. 20/8/14

    1. Whoever you are, your comment means a lot to me. Thank you for your message. I don’t know what it’s like to have the kind of condition that you have but I do understand the pain you are going through in letting go. All I know is that things all really work out for the best in the end, though at this point in time, they make not make sense. Everything — loving, losing, letting go, waiting, and trying to survive — is a process. Trust the process and know that you will not only get through this but also grow from this. Take care. 🙂

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