Lifestyle Motherhood Personal

Losing Freedom and Finding New Life After Motherhood

Mike recently asked me a thought-provoking question: โ€œHad you known that it would be easy for you to have a baby, would you have waited longer to have one?โ€

I paused only for a short time to think of an answer but I immediately said with conviction, โ€œNo. I think Andi came at the perfect time.โ€ It wasnโ€™t a lie. We wanted to have a baby in 2017 and we did! How blessed were we?

After a couple of days, I pondered on Mikeโ€™s question. After giving it some more thought, my answer was still the same. However, it did make me think about (longingly) some parts of my pre-motherhood life. Donโ€™t get me wrong, I love being a mom. But there are things โ€“ a lot of things โ€“ that I miss about that old life: Traveling. Sleeping anytime I want for as long as I want. Casual and random dates with Mike. Uninterrupted โ€˜horsing aroundโ€™ time with Mike at home. Working out. Hmmโ€ฆ okay, who am I kidding? Maybe not so much working out but just the idea that I can go to the gym anytime if I wanted to. I could go on and on about the things I miss, especially the little things I took for granted (like being able to take longer than 5 minutes to shower). But now, the reality is that โ€œme timeโ€ and โ€œfree timeโ€ are just nice-to-haves and are no longer a portion of my daily schedule. Now, any kind of time off from the responsibilities of motherhood feels like a relief. Going to the supermarket, falling in line at the bank to pay the bills, a quiet commuteโ€“ all these mundane things suddenly feel like a mini-vacation (especially since I canโ€™t take an actual vacation right now).

Being little kids way, way, way before we had our own kid.

Mike said to me: โ€œI understand now where some parents might want to give up. Theyโ€™re so used to a routine, like going out with the boys every weekend, doing whatever they want, and then suddenly, all of that is gone. Everything changes.โ€ I have to agree. I totally understand now when some women say that โ€œMotherhood is just not for me.โ€ It really is a complete lifestyle change, especially for someone like me who thrives on spontaneity, enjoys being out and about, and has a lot of passions and interests. When you are young, wild, and free, everything is about you. And then you become a parent, and then suddenly, itโ€™s no longer about you. You WILL really give up a lot of things. It can be quite a shock. And while Iโ€™ve gotten used to this โ€œnew normal,โ€ sometimes, it still does unsettle me.

Itโ€™s even more of a challenge for couples like me and Mike who donโ€™t have a nanny (by choice). Not only do we have to do everything ourselves, ergo, even lesser time to do things we love, but we also donโ€™t have the luxury of being able to leave our kid to someone while we go have coffee for a few hours or jaunt somewhere for a few days. (And even if we did have a nanny, we wouldnโ€™t be leaving our kid alone with her anyway). Wherever we go, she goes. Itโ€™s just the way it is. Of course, we are happy with this set-up and we are more than delighted to go places as a family with our little one, but once in a while, Mike and I would say something like โ€œRemember the time when we would go out just to try new restaurants, or stay up all night, watching TV series?โ€ or โ€œI miss watching movies with youโ€ Now, with a baby, we do what we can with what we have. Occasionally, we watch movies at home while I breastfeed, or we watch something while Andiโ€™s asleep, knowing that we will have to hit the pause button when she wakes up and cries.

Enjoying those final days of pre-baby freedom…
And now, this is life with a baby. Where we go, she goes!

Sometimes, I reminisce about the carefree life I once had. When I hang out with my family or my friends who are not yet parents and they excitedly make impulsive out-of-the-country travel plans, Iโ€™m now the one who says โ€œIโ€™ll have to passโ€ because, well, priorities. Yes, once in a while I do get a little bit jealous of other peopleโ€™s freedom. And I feel a little bad for feeling that way because look, I have this beautiful and perfect baby girl and here I am yearning for freedom?! But over time, I realized one thing: that itโ€™s okay to miss parts of your old lifeโ€ฆ and that itโ€™s completely normal. Doing that doesnโ€™t make you a bad parent, or an ungrateful one. Reminiscing about the good bits of life before kids doesnโ€™t mean that you resent your life now. And it most definitely does not mean that you donโ€™t love your child(ren). I realized that thereโ€™s certainly no need to feel guilty for having wistful feelings when you look back on the time before you had a baby because let’s face it… those were good times.

Thinking about those carefree days…

Hereโ€™s what Iโ€™ve come to know though: freedom is a funny thing. When Iโ€™m away from my daughter, I couldnโ€™t wait to come home to her. My thoughts are always of her and my heart always goes back to her. Even when Iโ€™m not with her, I still am. ย Freedom is a wonderful thing, but I know now that nothing beats being a mother. Even if some of my dreams have to take a backseat for a while and even if I have to put some goals on hold, I would choose this life over and over again, without question. Yes, Iโ€™ve lost some of my freedom and Iโ€™ve lost some parts of myself, but I have gained so much more. And what I did gain, I will never ever trade for anything else in the world. Life now is more beautiful, colorful, and meaningful. Having a baby didn’t take away my life. It just gave me a new one. A better one.

Life is more beautiful with you here now, Andi. โคโคโค I wouldn’t change a thing.
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